The Harbush

Dear Harby

Harby, Satirical Advice Columnist

Dear Harby,
As cuffing season continues, I yearn for romance. But what my heart desires, my student debt cannot support. How can I ask out my fellow HBSers and treat them to the level of bougieness they deserve and require without breaking the bank?

Sincerely,
Too Broke to Tinder


Dear “Too Broke,”
I understand your concerns—you wouldn’t want the shame of a dinner at Taco Bell to ruin the glow of a budding b-school romance. Fortunately for you, I’ve compiled some options to afford you the illusion of exclusivity without the corresponding price premium:

  1. Suss out the romance potential with some “career lunches” at Spangler Grille for free. Hit the sushi counter—you know what they say about shellfish and romance.
  2. Get to know your future partner better with some sizzling drinks at COB. Show up early to grab some avocado to demonstrate that you’ll go the extra mile.
  3. When things get more serious, use your Priority Pass +1 to secure a romantic Italian dinner for two, conveniently located at Logan. Nothing says romance like spaghetti Bolognese.
  4. Shower them with love through him and her binders for all those cases you’ll read together at Baker. Only for $4.99 at Staples.
  5. Skip those change the world ambitions and get a full-time job in PE. Those marriage candid photographs aren’t going to come for free.

Happy romancing!

Your best advisor,
Harby


Dear Harby,
When is it too early to begin panicking about internships? CPD keeps telling me to remain calm, which probably means I need to panic.

Sincerely,
Iam Un Employed


Dear Iam,
The job market is tough and scary. After all, the U.S. is seeing record low unemployment, you go to the world’s best business school, and now you’re seeing yourself passed up by peer after peer. Your peers are more qualified, better spoken, and get jobs you should have been able to get. It’s no mistake that MBB gave that one girl three offers and you didn’t get an interview. She is better than you.

We’re just messing with you. Though that peer is probably better. You shouldn’t freak out for at least another week or two.

Here’s how to move forward:

  • Volunteer with non-profits: There are some organizations that have a greater purpose beyond making cash. Give back to society. You know, that whole making a difference in the world thing?
  • Consider another degree: All those dual-degree kids are just excellent at hedging for their careers. HLS really just stands for How Long Should I stay in school. Keep giving Harvard your money and never check your bank account.
  • The world outside 12Twenty: It may shock you to realize that companies exist outside of the HBS CPD bubble. Insane! We promise we are not lying. Consider expanding your horizons ever so slightly (it may be scary, but we promise worth it) to find other companies in this world.
  • Reality check: Remember that this is the last summer where you cannot say “I am a graduate of Harvard Business School.” So we won’t really hold your unemployment against you until next summer. You get a free pass!

Your best career coach,
Harby


We Think We’re Funny; Follow Us at @dearharby

Authors redacted for their ultimate protection.

The Harbus team is excited to launch a new generation of HBS satire on Instagram (@dearharby). We found the once-a-month opportunity to troll our community to be insufficient and consequently have increased our total addressable market to include the social media universe.

Last month, we launched our first contest: How many times would Dean Nohria say “Harvard Business School” during a 60-minute town hall? The answer beat our wildest expectations. The bossman said “Harvard Business School” (not Harvard and not HBS) no fewer than 86 times! Incredible. And we caught it all on Instagram.

Think about what goes on in our parts: reconstructing the already-constructed outdoor pavilion, BGIE trilemmas, cases with POTUS, and SA Co-Presidents running unopposed … we get a year’s worth of material every week!

We @dearharby are just getting started. Get weekly case takeaways so you know what RCs really learned during class, meet the “People of HBS,” and learn not-yet-released faculty frameworks. Slide into our DMs if you have more ideas or want to get involved.

 

March 6, 2019
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