April 1st, April Fools, Print Edition, The Harbush

Department of Operations Implements Project Room Fees Spangler Grille to Become Room Time Trading Floor

Spangler Hall – The Department of Operations’ Room Reservations Office said Thursday that it will be implementing per-quarter-hour fees for project room use, responding to student complaints that there’s never a quiet spot to make a phone call when you goddam need one.

“This will ensure an equitable distribution of project room resources at a time when Spangler Hall at lunch is more crowded than ever,” remarked Reservations Managers Wares D. Kee. “Seriously, don’t people ever bring lunch? Why does everyone have to come over here?”

Officials noted that, because “it’s just easier that way,” the rooms will use the same fee schedule as the Harvard Square Parking Garage. Rates will begin at $4.00 for the first 15 minutes, and build to a maximum of $38.00 for four hours or more.

Student reaction to the change was mixed.

“I regularly sprint over here directly after morning classes, throw my stuff in a project room to ‘save’ it, and then don’t come back for half an hour while I get lunch,” said RC Donte Gifafuc. “And now you’re saying I’ll have to pay for that privilege? So I body-checked all those people in the tunnel for nothing? That’s B.S.”

However, others support the change. “I’ve been regularly seeing a urologist for an ongoing medical issue,” said EC Frank Lee Pist, “and having to hold those conversations in the Aldrich hallway has been really stressful. When you have to stage whisper every time you say ‘penis’ to keep it out of earshot or use euphemisms like ‘member’ or ‘appendage,’ you’re living on borrowed social time. This change will allow the free market to ensure that those who need privacy to discuss their genitalia with medical professionals get it, while those merely having phone sex wait until they get back home.”

Speaking of the free market, the Reservations Office has also partnered with Goldman Sachs to set up a room block trading floor in the Spangler Grille, where students will be able to purchase room time based on demand and length. This morning, futures for a 15-minute slot were trading up $0.35, while the price of a 4-hour block had slumped to $36.15.

April 1, 2018

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M.T


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