Humor

Dear Harby

Harby, Satirical Advice Columnist

Dear Harby,

I’m planning to run the Boston Marathon on Monday April 16th and have already paid the $185 registration fee. I think I’m okay on the training. Here’s my question: how can I best take advantage of this social media opportunity to make my section mates envious?

Best,
Glam in Gallatin

Dear Glam,

You are absolutely right that this is a tremendous opportunity. Here are my tips for making the most of it:

First, double your time at Shad. Not on the treadmill, of course! Everywhere else. Baker’s first law of social mobility is to see and be seen. How else will people know how selfless you are for sacrificing a zero-case day to complete the most well-documented workout of your life? Go get the most obnoxiously fluorescent workout gear from Athleta and camp out in the Shad lobby as if you are holding office hours on how to ski in the 1980s. No one should be able to pass their Harvard ID under that grocery scanner at the front desk without knowing every precise detail of your training regimen. In fact, you should practice working your running schedule into every conversation, even in answering such questions as “How about this weather we’re having?” and “Would you mind not using the hand dryer on your pubes?”

Second, every run, smoothie, and Sweetgreen salad is fuel for the race. Don’t forget to exhaustively document them on Insta! Nothing is too minor to overlook. #TrainingDay #Oversharing #Blessed.

Third, if anyone actually asks you about the marathon, make sure to deflect and tell them that his is not about you, but your charity. Everyone loves a humblebragger. If you forgot to find an altruistic reason for running, just link up with some cliché charity – something benefiting dogs, children, cancer victims, or – best of all – tumorous puppies!

Fourth, make sure to have a plan to document your run on the day of. Strategically plant the less socially adept members of your section along the race path to take pictures with their iPhones. Remember where you put them! You’ll want to adjust your mascara and eye-liner just before you come into view. You can also look at getting a drone to follow in front of you with a Go-Pro. I bet you could check one out from the Tech Club – I mean what else are they good for?

Last, wear your medal to class and, as people fawn over you, watch in pleasure as the blood drains from the faces of your section mates who are veterans. They’ve had it cushy in LEAD for too long.

Break a leg,
Harby

 

May 1, 2018

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