News

A Chive a Day Keeps the Doctor Away

Here are four real health stories from the last month, as presented on Yahoo! News:

Exercising to Music May Make You Smarter
Reuters – Wed Mar 24, 4:44 PM ET
If music makes you smarter, and exercise helps brain function, can exercising to music really boost brainpower? U.S. researchers said on Wednesday it can.

Walking 15 Minutes a Day Won’t Prevent Obesity
Reuters – Wed Mar 24, 6:24 PM ET
Walking briskly for 15 minutes each day is not sufficient to burn off the extra calories in the diet, new research reports.

Yoga Helpful to Some Fighting Cancer
AP – Sat Mar 13,11:15 PM ET
Many Americans who have cancer have rushed through their daily grind until they are brought up short by a disease which wreaked havoc on their physical and emotional lives.

Sweet White Potato Extract May Help Curb Diabetes
Reuters – Fri Mar 5, 1:36 PM ET
The results of a clinical trial confirm the beneficial effects of Caiapo, an extract of white sweet potatoes, on blood sugar and cholesterol levels in type 2 diabetic subjects

Below are some fake health stories that I made up. They are supposed to be funny. The ones above are not supposed to be funny. That’s the difference.

Butter Is Bad For You
Reuters – Fri Mar 27, 9:35 AM ET
A major longitudinal study has concluded that butter poses enormous health risks. “Virtually every person who consumed butter died over the long term,” said Dr. Bertrand Galwart, the study’s author. “We need to get out the word that butter kills.” Galwart added that margarine provides an adequate and healthful substitute.

One Chive Per Day Can Prevent Eczema
AP – Fri Mar 27, 9:55 AM ET
Canadian researchers released the results of a study confirming that eating a single chive every day can reduce the risk of eczema by 75%. The researchers are now taking volunteers for a second study involving two chives. They warn that doubling the chives will not necessarily double the health benefit.

Margarine Is Worse Than Butter
Reuters – Fri Mar 27, 10:46 AM ET
Commenting on his earlier endorsement of margarine as a substitute to butter, Dr. Bertrand Galwart admitted, “At that time, we had not adequately analyzed the data, which indicate that consuming one teaspoon of margarine per day is equivalent to eating a bucket of soil in Chernobyl.”

Toweling Off After A Shower Does Not Prevent Obesity
AP – Fri Mar 27, 11:08 AM ET
The results of a clinical trial prove conclusively that toweling off cannot be considered adequate daily aerobic exercise. The trial also rejected other forms of exercise such as sneezing, swiveling in an office chair, and eating. On the other hand, four minutes or more of daily Olympic pole-vaulting was correlated with overall health.

Turns Out Butter Isn’t So Bad
Reuters – Fri Mar 27, 11:57 AM ET
Toppling the scientific conventional wisdom, scientist Dr. Bertrand Galwart announced, “Don’t skimp on the butter, folks. Turns out it comes from a cow!” While butter is high in fat content, he explained, most of the fat is composed of a benevolent substance known as “helper fatties.”

Maraschino Cherries Full of Hidden Toxins
AP – Fri Mar 27, 12:10 PM ET
A surprising laboratory experiment suggests that eating maraschino cherries may be hazardous to one’s health, or even deadly. The Yale University experiment involved forced-feeding 710 cherries per hour to white field mice, whose jaws were hinged open. Researchers were flabbergasted that invisible chemicals in the cherries appeared to trigger a “stomach explosion” in nine of ten mice tested. The other mouse appeared pleased.

Now It’s Olive Oil
Reuters – Fri Mar 27, 12:25 PM ET
Dr. Bertrand Galwart announced, “Forget butter and margarine. Buy olive oil. The more expensive, the better. We’ll explain later.”

Smoking: The Cure For Lung Cancer?
AP – Fri Mar 27, 1:03 PM ET
Analyzing the data from a study of 1,200 lung cancer victims, doctors were stunned by what they found. “When we studied the patients who recovered from lung cancer, virtually all of them had one lifestyle factor in common: They had a history of smoking,” said Dr. Margaret Wilder, a co-author. “It appears that smoking can boost the body’s natural defenses against lung cancer.”

Healthful šber-Fat Discovered In Fried Cheese Sticks
Reuters – Fri Mar 27, 2:48 PM ET
Dr. Bertrand Galwart prefaced his remarks by saying, “OK, this is going to seem weird.” Dr. Galwart then announced the discovery of a heretofore undiscovered lipid called an “ber-fat” in a batch of fried cheese sticks from Chili’s. The “ber-fat” appears to prevent river blindness and castration. Galwart warned citizens not to combine the cheese sticks with maraschino cherries.

Putting A Chinchilla In Your Mouth Doesn’t Seem To Help Much
AP – Fri Mar 27, 11:08 AM ET
Recent research suggests that putting a chinchilla in your mouth for ten minutes per day does not provide health benefits and may, in fact, irritate the chinchilla. Researchers warned against extrapolating the data to other rodents.

April 5, 2004
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