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Darkside Dominates in Indoor Soccer

The Darkside soccer team (OD) is striking back with a vengeance, going undefeated in group play and preparing for a run at the indoor soccer title. Surprising the pundits with a lack of HBS Soccer Club members, the team features a “Shock and Awe” approach of a swift and powerful offense and a tenacious but strikingly good-looking D. In a testimony to the depth of skill this team possesses, the Darkside has yet to play a game with its full lineup intact but has never failed to score in double digits and has an average margin of victory of nearly 10 goals. Both offense and defense have been a true team effort thus far, and the team members expect this to be one of the keys to advancing towards the championship.

Game 1: 22-5 vs. OK
The Darkside opened the indoor soccer season with an easy victory over OK, who once again showed why the administration didn’t bother forming a section K this year. A first half shutout performance in goal by Cameron “Me and Mrs.” Jones assisted by key defensive saves by Dan “Third Degree” Burns allowed the team to build an insurmountable lead, and Peter “Stoichkov” Velikin led all scorers with eight goals while Morio “Scorio” Alexander added six of his own. Much like the fictional section K in this year’s HBS show, all OK could muster was a performance which lacked energy and pizzazz, but might have been amusing after about 20 beers.

Game 2: 14-8 vs. Superstar
Viewed as the toughest opponent on the Darkside’s schedule, Superstar did not disappoint – at least until the game began. Despite recruiting players from outside their roster (in violation of league rules and thereby eliminating themselves from playoff contention), Superstar were so intimidated by the prospect of playing the Darkside that they could not field a full team. Yet even playing a man down, Superstar proved themselves a worthy opponent, their major mistake apparently being placing off-roster recruit Dan Shapero (NE) in the goal. Shapero was both shaken and stirred by Darkside special agents Luis “I don’t play Dirty” Sanchez and Andre “The Giant” Silva, while Josh “Sandman” Sandbulte anchored the defense and Derek “Slayer” Mendez tended goal. In the end, Superstar proved to be like team captain Jorge O’Hara’s (OI) hair – all style and no substance…

Game 3: 10-4 vs. NI
The Darkside’s final regular-season game was somewhat anti-climactic, with the team already having clinched a playoff berth. Nonetheless, the Darkside’s Julian “Rudy Voeller” Kurz, who powered the attack with five goals, provided plenty of excitement in his season debut (welcome back!) Brendan “The Hammer” McGeever and Martin “Alpaca Breath” Aspillaga shored up the defense as Silva and Sandbulte combined for a stellar performance in goal.

As his team charges full steam ahead into the playoffs, the Darkside’s captain, Luis Sanchez, had this to say: “we’re playing very well and more importantly looking good. Now that we’ve finally got all of our players together, we’re looking forward to bringing home the championship! As the great Darth Vader once said, ‘never underestimate the power of the Darkside!'”

April 14, 2003
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